Happy new year again

This post will be as pointless as the event that's being celebrated the world over.

I think I want to make my biggest confession. I can't tell you why I'm going to do it here, out to an audience that may or may not exist, instead of going to a friend or anyone else, because I actually don't know the reason either.

I think I mentioned once about having things I dare not admit outside of my head. Here's the biggest of them all. I'm doing this. Here goes.

I want to be saved. I do not like being responsible for myself, the consequences of all the shit I've done. I want to allow myself forgiveness. Just please, please, please don't leave me here, to my own devices, deciding my own fate.

Help me, God Almighty, Most Merciful, help me.

I can't make sense of all these things that I think and do. Why I want to hurt myself. Why I think I deserve only pain and misery. Why I can't trust myself to do the right thing.

I just know that despite of all the sins I keep committing, despite of all the self-harm, the true reason I stay up nights just crying is because I do want to make things better. I really sincerely do.

It's the very last thing I have to lose, my faith in You. Why am I not doing enough? Why can't I pick myself up? Why do I need to feel hurt and despair before I would even think about You? Why can't I be strong and grateful and humble and able to keep You in my mind always?

How can it feel so comfortable just sitting here to mope and complain when I really have much better things to do!

Why am I so arrogant that I can't stop hating myself for being just human!

I should be able to be better than this. I should be able to want it. But I'm not, and I don't, and that, well, that just sucks balls.

Have I really brought myself so far out of Your Mercy that I will be stuck like this until it is too late?

Just what do I do now..