Change

I'm not a big fan of changes. Changes for the better sadly rarely happens for me, if at all. I mean, if I ever change, I think it would be a change for the worse.

For instance, this semester, I'm stuck in the smallest compartment in the room. They couldn't even fix my shelf on right.

I also changed my hair, and now I have to spend more money to take care of it than before.

I am never going to survive on my own. But I plan to leave, anyway. Well, I had a plan, an extremely stupid one, up until I got back in school.

There's just something about this place. As if its very air is sedative. It's probably right to say that I mean it in a bad way, but I think it's good for me, for now. Because suddenly I don't have morbid plans of running away.

I thought my mother didn't take it seriously when I told her I am never going to marry and spawn. I was dismissed, my wish simply ignored, like a childish notion. I felt trapped, suffocated.

And so I was going to run away. I was going to blow all my savings on a passage to far away lands. I was going to forfeit my life and sleep under bridges, or in trains, live off garbage, and get disposed of in the gutters, to die with no name, no real memory of my former, perfect, undeserved life.

But just weeks before my flight back to here, IIUM Kuantan, I put it out there again, that I don't want to be married, that I cannot be trusted with another's life, like how a family's livelihood is largely entrusted to the wife and/or mother. I mean, I'm already a sister, and my sisters will tell you how much I suck at the job. My own mother probably already hates me for all the emotional abuse I dish out at home.

The other plan was to simply off myself. Then I would forever burn in Hell, and I will deserve it. But being the coward that I am, I can't be the one pulling off the plug, no matter how much I want it pulled off.

So yeah, the next best thing was to die in the ditch, after the case in which I am the missing person is closed.

But my mother reacted differently then. She didn't wave it off. It didn't sound like a childish notion to her any more. It sounded worse; it sounded like a betrayal. She nearly screamed at me. I was finally in the wrong.

I always thought that I can do no wrong in their eyes, and it's why I'm still living this perfect life, swindling their retirement money, and not chased out like the ungrateful savage that I am.

But now they have wizened with age. Now they know that they have nothing to do with what I have become. Now, I need only for them to believe in that truth. Then my departure will hurt no more than it should.

Well. But then I got back here, and I'm going to classes again, sitting alone in dark corners again, and at liberty to wander around all by myself again. Far from my loving family, I can stay in my head for a longer period at any one time again. I had heard before that the inside of your own head is a very dangerous territory that you should not go into alone. I guess agree. I guess doing so would be a form of self-harm. But it keeps my physical being here, and that's all that matters to these people. My material existence.

Now I don't feel like running away. This open-air cage is actually kind of nice. I like it in here.