Pa~pi~pe~pi~
The last paper is tomorrow. It ends at, well, around 11am. Then I can begin the final phase of packing up my stuff. At 7.35pm tomorrow, I will board my flight to KLIA, stay at my brother's overnight to get some stuff, proceed to spend the rest of the week at my aunt's, then get on the flight home on 10th June at 3.30pm.
The hours just seem to stretch on forever, what with tomorrow being such a big day and I haven't prepared at all for it. I haven't studied for the exam, and I haven't planned out exactly which stuffs go where. I've simply been spending the last week lazing around, napping, watching K-ON! and K-ON!!, and contemplating this drawing I have in my head. I also caught up with some old friends and already have plans to go hang out with them. The holidays aren't even here yet.
Jeez, so I studied a bit, like a few hours, like more than usual, but I just never want to admit how hard I really try to pass a subject or two so I won't feel too bad when the results come out bad. Like really bad. Worse than I thought I should get for all the effort I did put into them.
The only reason I manage to keep calm and collected come results time and my father basically saying I'm the worst disappointment to him ever and my mum saying I didn't try hard enough even when she clearly wouldn't know anything about it is because I can always just pretend that I didn't even try at all, and I can believe the reason I suck so much was because I never gave it my best to begin with.
Pretending that something is one way when it's really the other is how many people get by. You even do that when you have a crush on someone. Because it's so pathetic how very one-sided it feels, you pretend you don't have such feelings from the start.
Now if you would believe in your own lie hard enough, eventually it could become the truth for you, and all the pain will just be numbed. I must tell you that the pain will never go away though; you would simply feel nothing.
The point is that you don't feel hurt any more, after all. Indeed, there will be nights when all the guilt come back to you, poking at your brain and your heart, because a lie can only ever pretend to be the truth. But during the times when you don't feel anything, I think it's worth the occasional sleepless nights.
Ah~ It's at times of monumental importance that I come to revisit these kinds of thoughts again. Maybe it's the song I'm listening to? ("Secret" featuring Megurine Luka)
The magnitude of the lies you come up with to mask the horrible truth, to protect all the shameful secrets of your past. Oh, the things I do to shield the people I care about.
Sometimes I wonder if it's really because I care. There are times when I think perhaps I'm not doing it for anyone other than myself, like all other things I do in life.
Never do something you'll regret. Never not do something you'll regret not doing. Promise only what you're prepared to deliver. With all the things I've done, the only way to keep my sanity is to pretend. Pretend I've never done and not done anything I regret doing and not doing. Pretend I don't believe there is nothing I can be in control of. Never make any promises, at all.
It sucks being pathetic. You can't even take care of yourself. It wouldn't be so bad if you're not a judgemental person. Because then you wouldn't have a problem with trusting people, and perhaps you'll find one or two who are dependable. But I myself am a highly judgemental person. The very first time I meet you, I would have already decided whether I like the looks of you or not. I probably have even began hating your guts at that very moment. I wouldn't have decided what kind of person you are just yet, but I definitely have decided whether you're okay in my book or not.
And I've met a few people who I instantly disliked. Some I even began to dislike from the moment I heard their name. It's just this strong feeling inside telling me that I'm not going to get along well with this person. Like an instinct that's there to ensure I survive.
I'm thinking about this because the dorm management just put up the new list for next semester; I've been put into a room with a certain person I really didn't like when I first met them. Over time, I got to hang out with them once or twice, and I only grew to dislike them even more. And now, with this semester yet to conclude, bad stories about them have already reached my ear.
I'm just going to steer clear of them for all of next year.
I swear, the universe just hates me. I know I shouldn't be saying or even thinking these things, but if I didn't then I won't be me. I don't like being me, but I also don't like my perfect reality and yet I'm still not rid of it.
The hours just seem to stretch on forever, what with tomorrow being such a big day and I haven't prepared at all for it. I haven't studied for the exam, and I haven't planned out exactly which stuffs go where. I've simply been spending the last week lazing around, napping, watching K-ON! and K-ON!!, and contemplating this drawing I have in my head. I also caught up with some old friends and already have plans to go hang out with them. The holidays aren't even here yet.
Jeez, so I studied a bit, like a few hours, like more than usual, but I just never want to admit how hard I really try to pass a subject or two so I won't feel too bad when the results come out bad. Like really bad. Worse than I thought I should get for all the effort I did put into them.
The only reason I manage to keep calm and collected come results time and my father basically saying I'm the worst disappointment to him ever and my mum saying I didn't try hard enough even when she clearly wouldn't know anything about it is because I can always just pretend that I didn't even try at all, and I can believe the reason I suck so much was because I never gave it my best to begin with.
Pretending that something is one way when it's really the other is how many people get by. You even do that when you have a crush on someone. Because it's so pathetic how very one-sided it feels, you pretend you don't have such feelings from the start.
Now if you would believe in your own lie hard enough, eventually it could become the truth for you, and all the pain will just be numbed. I must tell you that the pain will never go away though; you would simply feel nothing.
The point is that you don't feel hurt any more, after all. Indeed, there will be nights when all the guilt come back to you, poking at your brain and your heart, because a lie can only ever pretend to be the truth. But during the times when you don't feel anything, I think it's worth the occasional sleepless nights.
Ah~ It's at times of monumental importance that I come to revisit these kinds of thoughts again. Maybe it's the song I'm listening to? ("Secret" featuring Megurine Luka)
The magnitude of the lies you come up with to mask the horrible truth, to protect all the shameful secrets of your past. Oh, the things I do to shield the people I care about.
Sometimes I wonder if it's really because I care. There are times when I think perhaps I'm not doing it for anyone other than myself, like all other things I do in life.
Never do something you'll regret. Never not do something you'll regret not doing. Promise only what you're prepared to deliver. With all the things I've done, the only way to keep my sanity is to pretend. Pretend I've never done and not done anything I regret doing and not doing. Pretend I don't believe there is nothing I can be in control of. Never make any promises, at all.
It sucks being pathetic. You can't even take care of yourself. It wouldn't be so bad if you're not a judgemental person. Because then you wouldn't have a problem with trusting people, and perhaps you'll find one or two who are dependable. But I myself am a highly judgemental person. The very first time I meet you, I would have already decided whether I like the looks of you or not. I probably have even began hating your guts at that very moment. I wouldn't have decided what kind of person you are just yet, but I definitely have decided whether you're okay in my book or not.
And I've met a few people who I instantly disliked. Some I even began to dislike from the moment I heard their name. It's just this strong feeling inside telling me that I'm not going to get along well with this person. Like an instinct that's there to ensure I survive.
I'm thinking about this because the dorm management just put up the new list for next semester; I've been put into a room with a certain person I really didn't like when I first met them. Over time, I got to hang out with them once or twice, and I only grew to dislike them even more. And now, with this semester yet to conclude, bad stories about them have already reached my ear.
I'm just going to steer clear of them for all of next year.
I swear, the universe just hates me. I know I shouldn't be saying or even thinking these things, but if I didn't then I won't be me. I don't like being me, but I also don't like my perfect reality and yet I'm still not rid of it.
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