I feel miserable
I logged into dA for the first time in weeks, and my devWatch had submitted over 100 deviations since my last visit. It just makes me feel all the more miserable.
It all started so long ago, but I'm hating how long Ted Mosby is taking to tell the story of how he met his children's mother so I'm gonna skip ahead to the day it was decided that I will be undergoing that procedure for my spine. I've posted about it, how I realised that my condition was getting worse and how I put off having to go to any doctor because I knew that the surgery was the only way to go about fixing said condition. Then my dad managed to get me to see a doctor anyway just before this semester began last February, and then bam! They'll get a titanium rod or two screwed into my spine come end-term break.
After that I came to school, having decided to go through it as normally as I could. Alas, I can't. I'm terrified. Something is bound to go wrong during the surgery. Something like, I don't know, a complication of sorts and I'll lose control over half of my body. Or half of my brain. Or maybe even over my entire being. What if I die? How can I make sure that my dad's dream of retiring to Semporna in a nice medium-sized house surrounded by fruit-bearing trees like rambutan and ciku comes true then?
I hate how much money it's going to cost my dad. It makes me wish I die in the plane crash on my way home after scoring the exams next month. I already wasted enough of my dad's money by just being me.
I just, you know, I really don't see how the world can't be a better place without me. Well, without me to begin with, cause if I just die now my parents aren't gonna be happy about it. They're cursed with my existence. I keep wondering whatever did they do to deserve such predicament.
Now I'm a little over a month away from my finals, but I just can't bring myself to care about it as much I should. I really should, because I must score them, get my sister the tablet she'd been starving herself for, then die in the plane crash on the way home. I can't do surgery. I don't want to do surgery. I just want to disappear.
Don't get me wrong, sometimes I do think the reason I get to live another day is because God is giving me another chance to atone for my sins. But I'm never going to do that, I don't know why, so really I should just go to sleep now I have class in the morning.
But the surgery, huh? With titanium rods screwed into my spine, disregarding the bigger risks like death and, worse, loss of motor control etc, I'm never going to be able to bend over or arch my back or slouch anymore! I love arching my back especially! I want to be able to stretch! After the surgery, I'm going to just be stuck in one rigid upright position forever! I won't be able to turn around in a chair! Sure I'm going to like the scar that would run down my back or my side, but I don't want to be stuck like that!
And then my rib cage! Over the years as I grew and my spine kept bending a little more, my ribs had just, you know, went with it, so one side is different from the other. Now, attached to a bendy, rotated spine, that rib cage looks relatively symmetrical. But once the spine is adjusted, that rib cage is going to look real weird. I know that any qualified doctor will not risk overseeing such things so they'll most probably find a way to get around that or something, but I can't help it yo.
What's more, now I'm never ever going to climb Mt. Kinabalu. Year after year, the plans keep falling through and now, with the looming surgery thing, I don't even get to start another plan to conquer Low's Peak. Ever. At least 8 plans. In 5 years! Just. poof.
I really want to draw something, but I'm too miserable to. Only thing I finished since mid-term break ended a fortnight ago are 6 and a half seasons of "How I Met Your Mother". All I got was a crush on Barney. I swear, the series need to end with Barney and Robin together, and Ted marrying a brunette.
It's 3 in the morn. I must go to sleep, go to class, then go to the airport tomorrow and take care of that flight home.
It all started so long ago, but I'm hating how long Ted Mosby is taking to tell the story of how he met his children's mother so I'm gonna skip ahead to the day it was decided that I will be undergoing that procedure for my spine. I've posted about it, how I realised that my condition was getting worse and how I put off having to go to any doctor because I knew that the surgery was the only way to go about fixing said condition. Then my dad managed to get me to see a doctor anyway just before this semester began last February, and then bam! They'll get a titanium rod or two screwed into my spine come end-term break.
After that I came to school, having decided to go through it as normally as I could. Alas, I can't. I'm terrified. Something is bound to go wrong during the surgery. Something like, I don't know, a complication of sorts and I'll lose control over half of my body. Or half of my brain. Or maybe even over my entire being. What if I die? How can I make sure that my dad's dream of retiring to Semporna in a nice medium-sized house surrounded by fruit-bearing trees like rambutan and ciku comes true then?
I hate how much money it's going to cost my dad. It makes me wish I die in the plane crash on my way home after scoring the exams next month. I already wasted enough of my dad's money by just being me.
I just, you know, I really don't see how the world can't be a better place without me. Well, without me to begin with, cause if I just die now my parents aren't gonna be happy about it. They're cursed with my existence. I keep wondering whatever did they do to deserve such predicament.
Now I'm a little over a month away from my finals, but I just can't bring myself to care about it as much I should. I really should, because I must score them, get my sister the tablet she'd been starving herself for, then die in the plane crash on the way home. I can't do surgery. I don't want to do surgery. I just want to disappear.
Don't get me wrong, sometimes I do think the reason I get to live another day is because God is giving me another chance to atone for my sins. But I'm never going to do that, I don't know why, so really I should just go to sleep now I have class in the morning.
But the surgery, huh? With titanium rods screwed into my spine, disregarding the bigger risks like death and, worse, loss of motor control etc, I'm never going to be able to bend over or arch my back or slouch anymore! I love arching my back especially! I want to be able to stretch! After the surgery, I'm going to just be stuck in one rigid upright position forever! I won't be able to turn around in a chair! Sure I'm going to like the scar that would run down my back or my side, but I don't want to be stuck like that!
And then my rib cage! Over the years as I grew and my spine kept bending a little more, my ribs had just, you know, went with it, so one side is different from the other. Now, attached to a bendy, rotated spine, that rib cage looks relatively symmetrical. But once the spine is adjusted, that rib cage is going to look real weird. I know that any qualified doctor will not risk overseeing such things so they'll most probably find a way to get around that or something, but I can't help it yo.
What's more, now I'm never ever going to climb Mt. Kinabalu. Year after year, the plans keep falling through and now, with the looming surgery thing, I don't even get to start another plan to conquer Low's Peak. Ever. At least 8 plans. In 5 years! Just. poof.
I really want to draw something, but I'm too miserable to. Only thing I finished since mid-term break ended a fortnight ago are 6 and a half seasons of "How I Met Your Mother". All I got was a crush on Barney. I swear, the series need to end with Barney and Robin together, and Ted marrying a brunette.
It's 3 in the morn. I must go to sleep, go to class, then go to the airport tomorrow and take care of that flight home.
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